Cravings
by velja
Summary: Sequel to Comfort Season 5: After Joyce's death Buffy starts to discover a new side of Spike and they start growing closer. But will Buffy ever come to terms with her feelings? NOW COMPLETE I suck at summaries! Just read it!
1. Chapter One

**Cravings**

(Sequel to Comfort)

**Pairing:** Buffy/Spike

**Summary:** There's nothing really happening here, just a bunch of thoughts Buffy and Spike have during the first days after Joyce's death.

**Setting: **This starts the morning after the events in "Comfort".

**Author's note**: If you haven't read my fic "Comfort" this story won't make much sense. So go and read it first.

**Another note:** Sorry it took me so long to write this sequel but I didn't know how to go on after "Comfort". I still don't know where the story is going but I had to post this nevertheless.

There is some dialogue from "Forever" in this but other than that this turned out much AU. For example Dawn is not going to try and resurrect Joyce (because I think it was…I don't know, I didn't like the idea. My opinion: Spike would have never agreed to that cause he knows the dangers of magic) and of cause there will be no Buffybot because **my** Spike doesn't need one. He got the original. So you see this is a lot different to the show. But I hope you like it nevertheless.

And now I'm gonna shut up and let you start reading.

* * *

**Cravings**

Warm rays of sunlight dazzled Buffy's eyes when she awoke next morning. She felt quite relaxed. For two entire seconds she was able to revel in the feeling of nothingness. Then it all came back to her.

Yesterday.  
Her mom…dead.  
The time at the hospital, the vampire at the morgue.  
Her sister…so scared and hurt.  
Then at night…patrol…fighting vampires…her hand stabbed by her own stake.  
And then Spike.  
Spike who had been there for her.

He had fixed up the wound and bandaged her hand. He had given comfort without taking advantage of the weak emotional state she'd been in. Quite the opposite in fact. He had been the one to break the kiss and stop her from going any further. Regardless of the feelings he claimed to have for her Spike had rejected her and therefore prevented her from making a terrible mistake.  
That's what it would have been if she had slept with him, right? A mistake?

Buffy looked at the bandage around her hand and sighed. Of cause it would have been a mistake. What had she been thinking?  
"Guess I wasn't thinking at all!" Buffy whispered and turned around in bed to lie on her back.  
Kissing Spike! Making out with him on the back porch! God, what would her friends think of her if they ever knew?  
"They won't. Ever!" Buffy said to herself when she got up and out of bed. But she sounded much more determined than she felt inside.

'What if Spike tells them?' Buffy suddenly thought, 'What if he starts bragging about finally getting into her pants (well, sort of)?'  
"That's so not going to happen!"  
She had to make sure he didn't tell anyone about last night. She had to talk to him. But that would mean she had to go see him again soon. And that was something Buffy didn't want to do right now.

She didn't want to talk to him, she didn't want to see him and she didn't want to think about his kisses. The way his hair had curled around her fingers. The way his eyes had brightened by the tears he'd tried to hide. And she definitely didn't want to think about the way she had been all over him; desperate, willing…  
...she didn't want to be reminded of the embarrassment of last night's encounter.

She didn't want to deal with him, full stop.

Best would be to keep away from him and to keep him away from everybody else. Why couldn't he just leave? Why couldn't he just take the DeSoto and drive his cute little ass out of Sunnydale and her life? But that would never happen, would it?  
'Wait, cute little ass? What the hell…Buffy, get a grip. He's not cute! He's a lot of other things. Evil, dangerous, infuriating…but not cute!'  
Buffy could come up with thousands of expressions for the vampire and she could picture Spike do a lot of things…like trying to kill her, fighting with her, annoying her to death with his cocky, smug attitude…  
…but she knew one thing he would never do.

Leave.

* * *

Hours had passed with Buffy having no more time to think about the blond vampire. There were so many things to do, to be taken care of.  
Her head threatened to explode after a day of choosing a coffin, organizing the burial service, deciding whether or not there'd be a wake, food, flowers, a speech, dealing with the incredible absence of her dad (he didn't even call) and a somehow numb and far away Dawn.

Buffy had kept herself busy all day. The others had tried to help her with everything. Giles had taken over the phone calls, Willow had been preparing food for everyone and Xander had been there for Dawn as well as for her. If it hadn't been for her friends Buffy never would have gotten through it all.  
But now her friends were about to go home. She could hear Xander and Willow closing the front door behind them. Buffy was sitting in the darkness of her room. Alone.

And that was when the pain kicked in.

She could hear Dawn sniffing in the next room and knew she should go over to try and comfort her. But what was there to say? How should she be able to offer any comfort if there was nothing left inside of her?  
She had kept herself busy all day because she knew if she would allow herself to rest for only a second she would crumble and crash down inside her misery. She couldn't let that happen. She had to keep it together, she was needed, damn!

But now, here, in the lonely darkness of her room Buffy allowed herself to let go of her strength.

She lay down on the bed with her face buried in her pillow and started to sob.  
'Oh god, what would I give for a pair of strong arms surrounding me now? Arms to sink into, hands to hold me, someone to be there for me? Just someone to spend comfort, like the one last night!'

* * *

It was dark outside when Willow and Xander left Buffy's house and descended the front stairs.  
"You're going home?" Xander asked.  
"I'm gonna stop by my mom's first," the redhead answered, "didn't do that a lot lately."  
"Yeah, I though I'd stop by your mom's, too." Seeing Willow's questioning glance he added:  
"I'm not going to **my** place. Those people are scary!"

A movement on the front lawn caught Xander's attention. It was Spike, approaching with a small bunch of flowers in his hand.  
"Speaking of…" the dark haired boy addressed the vampire, "You've **got** to be kidding!"  
Spike stopped in his tracks and sighed:  
"I'm not going in."  
"And you're not leaving those!" Xander waved a hand towards the flowers in Spike's hand. "You actually think you're gonna score points with Buffy this way?"  
"This isn't about Buffy." Spike tried to explain but he got interrupted by Xander's harsh voice:

"Bull! We're all hip to your doomed obsession."

Spike got more annoyed with each second he wasted on a conversation with the whelp but he tried anyway:  
"They're for Joyce!"  
"Like you care about her!" Xander took a step towards the vampire who came closer to the Scoobies, too.  
"Guys," Willow tried to interfere, "guys, not here!"  
"Care?" Spike repeated, unimpressed by neither Xander nor Willow's attempt to separate them, "Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand!"  
"And she's the only one with a daughter you wanna shag!" Xander countered, "I'm touched!"

Now Spike was becoming really annoyed. "I **liked** the lady! You understand, monkey boy?" He let out an unneeded breath. "She was decent! She didn't put on airs." His voice got soft at his next words: "Always had a nice cuppa for me!"

Willow looked sadly up to the vampire's face. She always knew that Spike had a thing for Joyce. And, she had to admit, vice versa.  
"And she never treated me like a freak!" Spike added determined.  
"Her mistake!" Xander wasn't to be fooled by the unevil dead. He didn't believe a second that Spike had no ulterior motives.  
Spike sighed again. It was pointless discussing this with the whelp. "Think what you want!" he muttered and threw the flowers to the ground. Then he turned around without another look and stomped away.

"Unbelievable!" Xander shook his head, "The guy thinks he can put on a big show and…calm Buffy to be his sex-monkey!"  
Willow kneeled down to pick up the discarded flowers.  
"Xander," she said, "he didn't leave a card!"

The redhead looked up to Xander who frowned back at her. Then he threw a glare to where Spike had left and looked back at Willow. He didn't know what to say.  
Willow sighed and pressed the flowers towards her chest.

* * *

"Bloody hell!"

Spike took another swallow from the nearly empty bottle of JD and threw it away. The glass shattering against the stone walls of his crypt seemed too loud for his sensitive ears.  
But loud was good, loud would drown the voices in his head.  
The voices that whispered to him to go and kill Harris, that bloody fucking wanker. God, how he wanted to listen to them. How he wanted to tear the whelp's throat apart, regardless of the pain the sodding chip in his head would give him for it.

That pain would be a welcoming change to the seething rage Spike felt burning in his cold, dead body since his encounter with the Scoobies earlier.

How dare they…

The whelp knew **nothing** about the feelings Spike had harboured for Joyce. He knew nothing about how Spike had secretly compared Buffy's mom to his own, how he had substituted them for each other.  
It had not just simply been Joyce's outer appearance which had reminded him of his own mother. No, neither simply the hair nor the eyes…it had been the look from those eyes, one single look.  
A look so full of kindness and understanding…no other than his mother had ever looked at Spike that way…neither when he had been human nor later when he had become Spike.  
And, god, how he had craved for a look like that!

His human self, William, had been a wuss, bloody right. But all he'd ever wanted had been for someone to look at him with something other than superiority or pity. Someone to really **see** him.  
And later as a vampire? Well, many things had changed when he had become Spike. Thank god!

But one thing had not.  
This craving had never ceased to exist.

Spike had learned over the years to suppress it, to hide it because as a vampire you're not supposed to need one of those looks.  
But the craving had never stopped. It had been there, burning inside of him like a small flame, ready to spread with the smallest gust of wind.

And the gust had come.  
Joyce with her kindness had stirred up all this long suppressed cravings. Longings Spike had thought were long gone.  
And now Joyce was…gone.

Spike sighed and reached for another bottle next to his armchair. It was the third this evening and there were only two others left. He wondered if the booze would be enough to dull these thoughts tonight.  
Perhaps the thoughts could be blacked out, but not the craving.

Never the craving!

* * *

TBC

Sorry about this being so short and kind of senseless. But I promise to update sooner than the last time, okay? By the way...reviews will definitely help to quicken my updates.


	2. Chapter Two

** Cravings**

Chapter Two

* * *

It was a small, quiet and very sad funeral. Besides Buffy, Dawn and their friends there were some of Joyce's working acquaintances and her friends gathered around the grave. 

All friends but one.

One sat watching sadly from afar.  
Spike had parked his DeSoto as near as possible to the edge of the graveyard and glanced through the black-painted windscreen. The daylight kept him from attending the ceremony but he was damned if he didn't at least pay his last respects to Joyce.He would come by the grave and say his goodbye to her as soon as the sun would've set but for now he simply wanted to be there. He wanted to be there for Buffy and the Lil'Bit even if they couldn't see him.

Perhaps they would feel his support somehow.  
Spike searched around for his smokes and put one between his lips. But he didn't light it. Even for an evil being like him it didn't seem right to smoke during a service. But the vampire felt nervous and on edge and the simple feeling of a fag between his lips calmed him down a bit.

Suddenly Spike saw the crowd starting to dissolve. It was over. One after the other left the grave until the Scoobies were the last to remain. Spike couldn't hear them talking but he saw Willow and Tara take a crying Dawn in their arms to lead her away.  
Spike knew that Buffy would stay at the grave for who-knows-how-long and he was determined to join her as soon as the shadows of the trees would spend enough protection for him. He didn't know if she would welcome his…yeah, well…his what?  
His support? Comfort?  
Spike wasn't sure about what Buffy would allow him to give her, if his presence would be allowed at all. But after their last encounter where she had actually called him a friend (he couldn't stop wondering about that) he felt the odds to be in his favour. Spike lit his smoke and inhaled deeply. It was worth a go, wasn't it?

When the sun had finally set the blond vampire opened the door of his car and threw the butt to the ground. Then he climbed out but stopped dead in his tracks. Someone was suddenly approaching Buffy; someone disturbingly familiar.

"Peaches!" Spike growled and watched helplessly as his grandsire dared to silently take Buffy's hand in his.  
"What the fuck…!" Spike was stunned beyond words.  
He fell back onto the driver's seat and remained there watching the hated vampire comfort 'his' slayer.  
When the first shock was over Spike started his car and left the graveyard, tyres smoking and squealing loudly.

He thought grimly about the two bottles of whiskey he had fortunately left untouched last night.  
They would be needed badly.  
Later.  
First he needed a huge spot of violence.

* * *

Buffy waited till late afternoon the next day before she walked over to Spike's crypt. She had to talk to him, as much as she dreaded to meet him. But even before Joyce's burial Buffy had decided to corner the blond vampire to make sure he wouldn't brag about bagging his third slayer (in a different way than the other two – hopefully). 

And now?  
Buffy had been well aware of Spike's presence at the funeral and she knew that he had seen her with Angel. She had also noticed his furious departure at that.  
She couldn't blame him for it, Spike and Angel had a history that…well…to put it mildly: they didn't like each other.

When Buffy had remained standing at her mother's grave she had expected the vampire to join her sooner or later.  
The blond vampire, mind you! She hadn't thought about Angel being there at all.  
But when it had been her souled ex-lover who had taken her hand, who had led her to sit under the tree to comfortingly talk to her…well, she hadn't mind either.  
Buffy had simply been too exhausted, too sad and despaired to care. All she had wanted there and then had been an arm to hold her, a shoulder to cry on…someone to cling to.  
And clinging to Angel had triggered something off. She had felt the need to be near him, to kiss him and who-knows-what-else…the same need she had felt with Spike the other night.

That thought had brought her brain back to work immediately.  
What the hell was she doing?

Two nights ago she had been all over Spike, they had been making out and it had felt …well, yeah, it had felt wonderful (she was man enough – or slayer enough – to admit it). And now she was clinging to Angel like there was no tomorrow?

What was the matter with her? Why for god's sake was she so needy?

Angel and she had stopped kissing the very same moment…but for two entirely different reasons.  
For Angel the kiss had affected him too much and the return of his feelings for Buffy had threatened to overwhelm him. Buffy on the other hand had noticed the lack of feelings that justified such a kiss.

Well, she still had feelings for Angel, but the romantic 'I-love-him-so-much-I-can't-live-without-him-and-there-will-never-be-someone-else-in-my-entire-life' touch was no longer there. She had known for a while now (otherwise she would've never dated Riley) but experiencing it again in one of her weakest moments…it was disturbing. Kind of sad.

But it was the truth nevertheless.  
Sitting under the tree Buffy had once again became aware of the fact that she and Angel didn't belong in each other's worlds anymore.  
Angel was her past.

So Buffy hadn't been too sad when he had left Sunnydale shortly before dawn. She had gone home and into her bed glad that he had been there but also glad that he was on his way again.  
Before she'd fallen asleep Buffy had thought about what Angel had said earlier:

"You have people to help you. You don't have to do this alone," had been his words right before he had left.  
Someone else had said nearly the same to comfort her the other night. Buffy could still hear Spike's words. 'Whatever you'll have to go through, you can be sure that you're always gonna have your friends!'

Two different vampires with one way to help her.

But Spike had said something else: "And you're always gonna have me, luv!"  
And then he had silently sat beside her on the porch for the rest of the night.

* * *

These thoughts held Buffy's mind occupied while walking to Spike's crypt. She wasn't sure what to tell him but she had to talk to him nevertheless.  
She needed to make sure he'd never tell anyone about their kiss the other night. Although it had felt alright (well, who was she kidding? It had felt more than alright, it had felt wonderful) Buffy knew it wasn't. 

Kissing Spike was not okay! No matter how weak and alone and sad she felt and no matter how nice and gentle he'd be…she was the Slayer and he was an evil vampire.  
"And that equals bad, written in capitals! BAD!" Buffy murmured under her breath and stopped in front of the familiar crypt. Should she knock? Or barge right in?

She decided to throw her fist against the wooden door once to announce her presence and then she walked inside right away.  
One glance around the upper level told Buffy that Spike was not there. His beloved green armchair was empty and the TV was off.  
Buffy frowned and stepped further into the crypt. She wondered if he could have gone out already. It was early and the sun was still up outside but Spike could have used the sewers to get pretty much wherever he wanted in town.

'Or', she thought suddenly, 'he could be down the lower level.'

Buffy had been down there only once and that day was none of her favourite memories. Spike had chained her up to show her…  
She forced her thoughts away from that dreadful event she wished had never happened and started to descend the small ladder that led downstairs.  
Although her slayer-sight normally allowed Buffy to see pretty well in the dark she could spot absolutely nothing but darkness at the end of the steps.  
Therefore Buffy yelped in shock when she tripped over something on the ground next to where the ladder ended. She stumbled and fell on her knees.  
"Ouch!" Buffy groaned but went quiet again soon. She had heard another groan matching hers coming from further inside the dark crypt.

"Spike?" Buffy inquired anxiously, "Spike, are you there?"

Nothing.

But Buffy was sure she had heard him earlier. She got up from the ground and when her eyes had adjusted to the darkness she looked around. At the very far end of the room one small candle burned on a low and shabby looking table. In the frail light Buffy was able to make out the end of an old large bed. But other than that she could see nothing; the light didn't reach anything else around.  
'This one's new!' Buffy thought and stepped cautiously forward towards the bed.

Suddenly a low growl rang out.  
"Spike?" Buffy asked worriedly and quickly ran over to the bed. The sound had come from behind the large bedstead.

When Buffy reached it she was able to look at the ground behind. All she could do was clap a hand over her mouth at the horrible sight and let out a strangled gasp:

"Oh god, Spike!"

* * *

TBC 

You wanna know what's the matter with our gorgeous vampire? Leave a review and I will update sooner!


	3. Chapter Three

** Cravings**

Chapter Three

**Note: Thanks for your kind reviews, I was really thrilled when I read them. I'm not yet used to people praising my work. Sorry it took me so long to update, I hope you guys did not die because of the terrible cliffhanger I left you with. I'll try to post the next chapters more regulary but I can't promise because there is nothing more written yet. Therefore I'm very open to any kind of suggestion about what parts from the original series I should take into my little story or any other suggestions you may have.**

**So here's the next part, I hope you like it.**

**Oh, and in case I don't say it as much as I should: Many thanks to my big sis Chris! Without her I would never have known Buffy or Spike and I would certainly nerver have started to write! Thank you! **

**

* * *

**

"Oh god, Spike!"

Buffy looked down at the obviously unconscious vampire that lay sprawled at her feet. If it hadn't been for the conspicuous bleached hair and the trademark duster she never would've recognised him.

Spike's face, or what was left of it, was one blood-spattered mask. Both eyes were completely swollen shut, his nose was broken and his lips were split open and bleeding.

But what had caught her attention mostly was the big gash running from one side of his face to the other. It looked as if something huge had torn its very sharp claws through Spike's face leaving four deep red blood-stained marks behind. Starting at the vampire's right temple they went over the prominent cheekbone and mouth down towards the left side of his throat where they ended next to his Adam's apple.

Buffy let out another gasp and her eyes travelled down Spike's body. She noticed his black t-shirt had been torn in several places and blood was seeping through it. But the wounds she could glimpse across his chest and abdomen didn't seem to be deep; they didn't look as severe as the ones in his face. Just a couple of bruises and shallow cuts. It also looked as if no bones were broken at all. And, miraculously, Spike's beloved duster seemed to have come out of it whole and undamaged.

The demon (or whatever it had been that had done this to Spike) had obviously concentrated its attack on Spike's handsome features. And it had done its job thoroughly.

But apart from the bad state of his face Buffy wouldn't have thought the injuries to be enough to take a vampire out cold. And Spike was a master vampire. So why was he still lying at her feet unaware and death-like?

Buffy felt a sudden wave of nausea hitting her stomach and she had to swallow forcefully to make it pass. She was used to seeing blood and open wounds and such, benefit of a life as slayer, but somehow seeing Spike in this state caught her off guard.

**Spike** the master vampire had been beaten to a bloody pulp and was now lying unconsciously at her feet.

One hundred and twenty-something years of fighting-experience plus besting two Slayers and still…

Buffy swallowed and tried to pull herself together.

All thoughts of why she had come here in the first place had left her mind. She had forgotten all about her plan to make sure their little porch scene stayed a secret between them. And of cause to make sure something like that would never happen again.

But the sight of Spike like this…weak and broken…it had suddenly turned all of Buffy's resolve into something different…something like…care.

Oh god, how did this happen? How could she happen to care for him?

One look down into Spike's blood-covered face and…how could she **not** care?

Buffy kneeled down beside the blond vampire and tried to shake him awake.

"Spike?" she asked, "Spike, can you hear me?"

Spike's head lolled to the side but other than that there was no reaction, not even a groan like the one she had heard before.

'Can vampires get a concussion?' Buffy wondered while her eyes moved around to look for something she could put on the wounds to stop the bleeding. A first aid kit would come in handy but she doubted Spike would have one.

Her eyes fell on the big bed next to her. He would be more comfortable up there and it would also be easier for her to take care of his injuries if she didn't have to crawl around him on the cold floor all the time. But how should she get him up there?

Buffy sighed, stood up and moved to his other side. Then she bent down, pushed her right arm behind his neck and pulled him into a sitting position. Spike's limp body threatened to fall forward so Buffy moved in to steady it with her shoulder. When the bloodstained head rested in the crook of her neck Buffy put her other arm under Spike's legs and hauled him up against her slim body. She carried him the few feet to the bed and let him down with a groan.

Spike's dead weight plopped onto the mattress with a thud and his arms fell limp to his sides. His head lolled to the right and then his eyes fluttered briefly as if he was about to wake up. Buffy didn't notice.

After a reassuring glance that he lay as comfortable as possible she moved away to look for a first aid kit or something comparable. But in the dim light of the single burning candle she wasn't able to find anything. She had to light more candles and nearly burned her hand in the process. Buffy and fire…two unmixable things.

"Stupid candles!" she cursed under her breath.

Buffy knew that Spike had tapped into the power line to make the small fridge and TV in the upper level run. So why couldn't he have electricity down here?

"Like 'em!"

"Huh?"

Buffy spun around to face the vampire behind her. Spike hadn't moved and the eyes were still closed (well, they were too swollen to open, right?), but she was sure she'd heard him murmur something. So she went over to the bed and sat down beside him.

"Spike?" she asked and shook his shoulder softly, "are you awake?"

"Sort of!" came his whispered reply.

The words were slurred due to his cracked lips but he was awake. Thank god!

"Spike, what happened to you?" Buffy asked after she'd let out her breath in relief. "Are you in pain? Do you need anything? Can I get you something? Blood? Do you need some blood?"

Buffy kept rambling till she was interrupted by a low chuckle from Spike that turned immediately into a cough. Spike tried to sit up but was stopped by the searing pain running through his head. So he fell back onto the bed and turned his head instead slightly to spit out some blood.

"Eww!" Buffy squealed and scooted a few inches down the bed to get away from the now blood-covered sheet. Then she looked around for something to clean the mess. On the shelf near the headboard she found something that looked disturbingly like a handkerchief. Did vampires use handkerchiefs? Did **Spike** use a handkerchief?

Buffy grabbed it and bent over the still coughing vampire to wipe off his mouth cautiously. Then she tried to tend to his other facial injuries but Spike turned his head away quickly and scoffed:

"Stop fussing over me, Slayer! I'm not the bloody English patient!"

"Oh yeah, like you're somewhere near as hot as Ralph Fiennes is! But these wounds need to be cleaned! Don't be an idiot, Spike!"

The vampire tried to throw a piercing glance at the blond girl but without being able to open one's eyes that was kind of difficult. So he went for a frown instead. The pain was breathtaking; thank god he didn't need to breathe after all!

"What's with the sudden concern, Slayer?" Spike inquired when the ache had somewhat subsided, "A proper amount of blood and a good rest for one or two days and William the Bloody will be right as rain!"

"Yeah, sure!" Buffy mocked, "Did you happen to look at your face? Looks like something turned you into William the bloody faceless!"

"That bad, eh?" Spike tried to open his eyes but they were too swollen. He winced again at the pain.

"Stop moving your face! You only make it hurt more!" Buffy said determined. And after a second she added softly: "And I don't want you to be hurt!"

"What was that?" Spike frowned. 'Did she really say what I think she said?'

"Spike! Stop moving!" Buffy yelled suddenly annoyed.

"Okay, Slayer. Calm down, I'll be good now! Not gonna move a muscle!" Spike assured quickly and then he lay still while Buffy tried to free his face from all the blood without saying anything else.

The vampire wondered if he had heard her right. Buffy didn't want him to be hurt? Why's that? Did she suddenly care about him?

And why did she suddenly appear all tense and annoyed? What had bugged her all of a sudden? Something he had said? Could be as he happened to put his foot into his mouth from time to time.

Or had it been the fact that he had heard her say what she'd said?

More likely.

Spike was determined to find out for sure.

But for now he simply tried to block out the pain that was crashing down on him by Buffy cleaning his face not too tenderly.

When the small cotton handkerchief-like towel was nearly seeping in Spike's blood and the vampire's face didn't look much better yet Buffy decided she needed something better, something stronger. She glanced around and her eyes fell on the bottle of whiskey lying half empty near the place she'd found Spike earlier.

Buffy grabbed it, poured some of the contents onto the towel and rubbed the alcohol into the wounds.

"Ow, bloody hell, Slayer!" he suddenly yelped, "Ever heard of something called gentleness?"

Buffy stared down at the vampire and mumbled irritated: "Sorry! I thought it would disinfect the wounds!"

"Yeah, well! Feels like you're rubbing the fucking skin off my fucking bones!"

Buffy suddenly threw the towel away and glared at Spike. Then she jumped up and yelled:

"First of all: There's not much skin left at your face anyway! And I'm just trying to help, you stupid ass! But it seems that you don't **want** me to help, you don't **want **me to care about you! Perhaps the thought of me actually caring for you freaks you out! I know it does. I know you think it's gross and…and icky! And it's wrong and it can't happen and…

...you know what? You're right! It can't happen and it **won't** happen!"

And with that the slayer stormed off up the ladder and gone she was!

"What the hell was that?" Spike wondered.

"Seems like someone got her thoughts a bit in a twist, right? Well, well Slayer! Look who's falling for the Big Bad after all!"

* * *

**TBC**

**...and please review and make me happy!**


	4. Chapter Four

** Cravings**

Chapter Four

**Finally I'm back! I'm really sorry for the long delay but first there were the holidays with its family business to deal with and after that my computer striked and then...well, I guess you're getting a picture here, right?**

**Anyhow, now I'm back with chapter four. I hope you'll like it though there's no Spuffy action in it. But there is some sweet Spike/Dawn stuff. And Spuffy is on its way into chapter five or six, I promise.**

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* * *

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When Buffy entered the front door of her home after she'd stormed out of Spike's crypt she was greeted by the phone ringing. She tried to ignore it but the persistent noise nearly drover her crazy. So she went into the kitchen and grabbed the receiver.

"Hello?" she answered annoyed.

"Buffy? It's me, Willow!" the redhead sounded nervous.

"Hey Wills, what's the matter?"

"Matter?" Willow's voice got even more anxious and she began to ramble, "There's no matter, nope, nothing at all. A completely matter-free call. Well, no, there is something, otherwise I wouldn't call, would I? But it's nothing serious, really Buffy. No need to worry!"

"Willow!" Buffy nearly yelled to interrupt her friend.

"Ugh, sorry. Rambling girl again. Well, I just wanted to say that Dawn is on her way home."

"Alone?" Buffy's tone was sharp.

"No, of cause not! Xander's giving her a ride!" the Wicca replied.

"Oh, good. Thanks, Will. Bye!" Buffy answered shortly and was about to hang up when she heard Willow's voice again:

"Buffy, wait! Is everything okay? You sound…antsy!" Willow asked concerned.

"I'm not antsy! I'm fine!" Buffy assured out of habit and rolled her eyes at the somehow dense question.

'Oh yeah, sure, I'm fine! My mom is dead, my sister isn't real and I just happened to embarrass myself to the bones in front of a stupid, annoying, evil, soulless, pain-in-the-ass vampire that looked as if his face had been cultivated by a rake! A vampire I all of a sudden care for! But other than that? Yeah, I'm FINE! Thanks for asking!'

"Really?"

Buffy snapped out of it by Willow's inquire.

"Really, Wills!" Buffy sighed.

"Okay, listen Buffy. Perhaps you should know that…" Willow trailed off unsure.

"What?"

"It's that…Dawn…"

"What's with her, Willow?" Buffy got impatient quickly.

"Well, you should probably know that…she asked…well, we talked her out of it, of cause we did, but…" Willow started to ramble again but Buffy had enough.

"Willow, for god's sake, tell me! What did she ask you?"

"Okay," Willow braced herself and continued, "she asked Tara and me to bring your mom back."

There it was, now out in the open.

Buffy was taken completely aback. "Come again?"

"Buffy, she wanted to know if it would be possible…you know, us being Wicca's and all…but Tara and I talked her out of it. Sure thing we did. I mean, even if it would be possible to bring someone back from the dead…which I doubt it is at all…well, perhaps there have been some really powerful witches who could do something like that…but it would be very dangerous and very dark magic and…"

Suddenly Willow noticed her rambling again and stopped.

"Buffy? You still there?"

"I…yes, I am." Buffy tried to sound calm, "But you talked her out of it, right? Wills?"

"I guess we did. But you should speak to her about it! That's what I wanted to say all the time. Talk to her, Buffy. Don't exclude her from you, don't pull away from her. You two have to stick together, you know?"

"Yeah, I know!" Buffy was tired of everyone telling her what to do or how to feel.

"Promise you talk to Dawn?" Willow wanted to know.

"Yes, I promise!" Buffy said and when she heard a car pull into the driveway she added: "She's coming, Wills. I have to go!"

"Okay, bye Buffy! And if there's anything I can…"

"Yeah, thanks. Bye!" Buffy hang up and waited for Dawn. When her sister had slammed the front door shut Buffy shouted:

"Dawn!"

The teen's head appeared in the doorway.

"What?"

"Dawn, can you…we…we need to talk!"

Dawn sighed and braced herself for whatever lecture was to come this time.

* * *

Half an hour later the front door was forcefully closed again. This time it was Buffy leaving the house for a quick patrol.

Dawn stomped upstairs to her room muttering all sorts of swearwords and curses she'd ever learned (mostly from Spike). She was angry.

First she'd been angry with Willow and Tara for talking her out of her plan to bring her mom back. They'd said it wasn't possible but that was a lie, Dawn was certain. They were witches and witches were very powerful. They could do anything they wanted. Their refusal had made Dawn furious but then Willow had given her a hint for the book she would need to perform a spell.

Ha, so it was possible after all!

Dawn had taken the book from the Magic Box and had come home to examine it and to find a spell to make her life whole again.

And then Buffy had been there with her lecture. She'd been yelling about the dangers of magic and that she should know things like that weren't possible and that she should stop acting like a child and start facing the reality like a grown up…

Dawn had been standing in the doorway the whole time looking down at her shoes. She had to bite her tongue to stop herself from yelling back at her sister but somehow she'd managed. She'd been waiting silently for Buffy to finish her stupid sermon because Dawn had known for sure that Buffy would leave her afterwards. Again.

That's what Buffy always did; abandon her.

So now Buffy was out and Dawn was alone again. Buffy had made her promise to 'be a good girl and stay at home' but that was not what Dawn had in mind.

Buffy with her lecture could go to hell!

Dawn had grabbed a small bag and had started to pack together some of her belongings. She wouldn't need much. Just the spell book and a few things for the night. Then she would soon be on the way to her mom's…to the cemetery to prepare everything for a resurrection spell.

With one last glance around her room Dawn went downstairs and out of the back door.

"I'm gonna make everything right again!"

* * *

Spike awoke with a start when he heard the door of his crypt open with a squeal. He tried to sit up in his bed and with gritted teeth and the support of the headboard he managed to pull himself into a sitting position. He also tried to pry open his swollen eyes. And although he knew it had only been two hours of sleep at best his vampire healing had kicked in so that he was able to actually glance around.

It was dark and upstairs there was someone tapping around cautiously.

"Spike? You here?"

"Nibblet?" Spike wondered and stood up with a bit difficulty.

"Can I come down?" he heard her ask. He could tell that she had approached the hole in the ground and was now peering down curiously.

"No!" Spike yelled back and walked on wobbling legs over to climb upstairs. "I'm coming! Stay where you are!"

Moments later he appeared out of the hole and turned around to face Dawn who leaned against a sarcophagus.

"Oh God, Spike!" she shrieked.

The vampire looked down himself and frowned. He had forgotten what he must look like with his black shirt all torn and bloodstained and his face covered in angry red wounds and gashes.

"S'nothing, pet! Looks worse than it is I guess."

Dawn didn't seem to be convinced. "What happened to you?" she wanted to know.

"Koshur'nokwfa demon. Nasty little bugger." Spike told her and added considering: "Well, not so little as it's about eight feet tall; but daft as a wooden stick!"

"Did you kill it?" Dawn asked anxiously.

Spike threw a pointed glance at her. "Do you think I would be here sleeping the night off if that sodding thing would still be out there looking for a little snack?"

"Guess not!" Dawn replied.

"Hhm!" the vampire nodded and staggered over to the fridge to get some blood.

"Speaking of, snack–size," he threw over his shoulder, "tell me, why are you sneaking around a vampire's layer at midnight? Shouldn't you be tugged in your bed safe and snoring?"

"I was…I didn't…I was out there and then I had to come in hiding from…" Dawn tried to explain.

"Hiding from all the nasties that were suddenly creeping around the cemetery? Are you completely out of it? What the hell were you doing out here?" Spike yelled, "If Buffy finds out…"

"That's why I had to come in hiding!" Dawn yelled back at him, "I nearly ran into Buffy on my way to mom's grave and I didn't know where to go and…" she trailed off helplessly.

Spike's eyes had softened at the mentioning of Joyce's grave and the pleading sound of the kid's voice but he was still angry with her.

"And what the hell were you thinking, running to your mom's grave in the middle of the night? What's this all about?"

The sudden dear-in-headlights-look on Dawn's face was enough to tell Spike something was very off. He looked around and caught sight of her duffel bag on the stone floor. A large and dusty looking book was peeking out of it.

And suddenly it all made sense to him.

"Oh no!" Spike's voice went dangerously quiet as he stepped closer to where Dawn was standing, "You don't wanna mess with that, pet!"

"Spike, please! You don't understand…" Dawn pleaded.

"I know good and well what you're up to!" He stopped directly in front of her and looked her straight in the eye. "And I tell you, Nibblet, you don't wanna mess with dark things like that. That's pretty bad stuff!"

"But I have to…" Dawn started sniffling, "Spike, I have to do something! I have…I have to get her back! I can't go on without her!" She turned and let herself sink into the armchair in the middle of the dim crypt.

Spike followed and perched his aching body cautiously at the left arm. He stretched out his hand as if to touch her bent head but when Dawn looked up he let his hand fall limb to his side and sighed again.

"I know," he stated quietly.

"What?"

Huge tear-filled eyes searched his and Spike had to swallow a sudden rush of emotion before he continued: "I know what it feels like, the loss!"

"How could you know?" Dawn asked suspiciously and then the tears began to fall.

'Bloody hell!' Spike cursed inwardly and scooted closer towards the sobbing teenager. Tentatively he stretched out his arms and pulled Dawn in a loose embrace. When the girl didn't reject but leaned in closer Spike tightened his grip and pulled her against him. His hand came up reflexively to push a stray of brown hair behind Dawn's ear.

"It's okay, Nibblet, it's okay!" he shushed.

The face that had been resting against his firm chest looked up and tear-stained eyes met his. And it was that moment that Spike decided to tell her.

"Back when I was human my own mom was very ill. She suffered from what was called consumption. You know what that is?" He waited for a confirming nod from the girl before he continued with stricken voice:

"It was horrible; to helplessly watch her suffer; to watch her die slowly. I felt terrible for not being able to help her. You know the doctor's back then were idiots, they couldn't do anything for her. Then when I had become a vampire I went back home. And I…" he looked to the ground, "I turned her."

Dawn broke out of his embrace with a start.

"You killed your mom?" her voice was shrill. "Why are you telling me this?"

"You don't understand, Lil'Bit. I didn't kill her!" stormy blue eyes met shocked green one's. He relented: "Well, okay, I did, but I wanted to help her. I wanted her to not suffer anymore."

Spike turned his eyes away from her accusing stare and stroked his hair back frantically. Then he added: "The demon I had become felt strong and invincible! And I wanted her to feel it, too! So I turned her into a vampire. Because I wished for her to be healthy again, I wished for **us** to be happy together again!"

"What happened?" Dawn's voice was hoarse.

"Well, what happens to every selfish bloke. My wish turned against me. **She** turned against me. She wasn't my mom anymore, she'd become a demon. I had created a monster, a monster that went after me. So I had to kill her…again." Spike sighed and repeated quietly: "I had to kill her all over again!"

He sat there at the arm of the recliner hunched and crumpled, lost in his own thoughts. Thoughts he had successfully abandoned from his mind for so long. Now they were back, haunting him.

Silence filled the crypt as both Spike and Dawn sat together lost in their own thoughts. Then suddenly Dawn looked up.

"Do you regret it?" she asked the vampire next to her.

"Huh?"

"Do you regret what you did to her?"

"I'm a vampire, pet. Shouldn't feel any regret!" Spike answered evasive.

"Do you?" the teen insisted.

Spike looked into her eyes. "Yeah!"

Dawn nodded and sighed deeply.

Spike thought about something to say to cheer her up, to lighten the mood a little. So he settled for boasting cockiness and smirked:

"Don't spread that around, Nibblet, will you? No need for the world to know the Big Bad's gone all soft over his mom! Got a reputation to hold after all!"

Dawn's eyebrow shot up at that. "Oh, yeah! Like you still got that rep with everyone knowing you're like stalking my sister the slayer and you're practically drooling all over her!"

That brought Spike to his feet immediately. "Oi! Watch it, missy!" he glared at her. "I don't drool!"

"But you're stalking her?" Dawn smiled.

"No, I…" Spike searched for words, "I'm there to watch her back, that's all!"

'Not very convincing, was it? And where did the girl get all her presumptions from anyway? Did Buffy tell her about the other night? Not bloody likely!'

"Yeah, you watch her back," Dawn smirked, "as well as her front and her sides and…"

A piercing glance from Spike let her leave the sentence unfinished.

"It's okay, Spike!" Dawn tried seriously, "I am well aware of what's going on between the two of you!"

"Is that right?" Spike leered and stepped closer to her. "And what would that be?"

"Oh please!" Dawn scoffed, "You are completely obvious!"

"Am I then? Enlighten me!"

"You're head over heels in love with her!" Dawn simply answered, "You can't deny it!"

"I don't!" Spike said stunned by her bluntness.

"You…oh, good!" Dawn smiled.

"But that doesn't mean there's something going on between your sister and me!" Spike continued determined, "There isn't! Believe me, I would know!"

"Yeah, right! Just because she doesn't act on her feelings doesn't mean she doesn't have any!"

"Huh?" Spike was taken aback again by Dawn's assumptions.

"Believe me, Spike. I know Buffy!"

"You may know Buffy but you don't know the slayer!" Spike stated flatly. "Even **if **she had some feelings for me, which I doubt, she would never ever admit it, let alone act on them. She would be too bloody disgusted. I'm a vampire, Nibblet! I'll never be anything else for her than a fucking evil soulless monster!"

Spike sighed.

"And now…" he went on when Dawn tried to reply something, "I've had enough for tonight. It's time for you to go home."

"But…" the girl tried to protest.

"None of that now!" Spike grabbed her duffel bag and shoved it into her arms. "If Buffy ever finds out that you're not in your bed, safe and sound, then, believe me, she's gonna show her feelings to me! Along with the wrong end of a wooden stake!"

"She could never kill you!"

"Don't be too sure of that, Nibblet! Don't be too sure!"

Spike grabbed his brown leather jacket from the sarcophagus and walked over to open the door of his crypt.

"Come on now, pet. Let's walk you home!"

* * *

Buffy was hiding motionless behind a gravestone and watched both her sister and her vampire walk out of the crypt. Her eyes followed the small figures through the darkness of the cemetery. Only when the two had vanished Buffy allowed her body to relax and move.

She stood up and brushed her hand over her eyes. It came down wet with tears.

Was it really true what she'd heard Spike say? Was she disgusted with herself for liking him? And, more important, was it true that she'd always see him as a monster?

After what she'd just witnessed she doubted it. What he'd said… the way he'd comforted Dawn… what he'd told her about his own mom…

…he'd not acted like a monster, not at all. He'd acted like a man!

And Buffy knew for sure that she would never be able to forget that!

* * *

**...TBC... **

**Do you still like it? Let me know please!**


	5. Chapter Five

** Cravings**

Chapter Five

**I'm terribly sorry for the long time it took me to update but I got some sort of penalty and was not allowed to post a new chapter till now. I didn't understand why ffnet removed one of my other storys (the reason) but...well it's done and now here's the new chapter of cravings. I hope you'll like it as much as the rest. I'm so thankful for all the kind reviews you all left; special thanks to AnononA. Your first review was all a writer in a foreign language could ever ask for. Thanks sooo much! You made me so happy!**

**There will be just one more chapter of this or maybe two if it will turn out so long that I have to break it in two. But I can assure you it will not take as long as the last time to update; promise! And there will be a lot of Spuffy talking and arguing and making up and kissing and...**

**...well, you'll see!**

**For now enjoy this new chapter.**

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It took Spike several days to recover completely from his injuries but eventually all the cuts and bruises in his face were healed and he could once again walk, talk and most importantly, fight like the master vampire he truly was.

He had seen neither Buffy nor any one of the Scoobies since the day of Joyce's funeral. Only Dawn had shown up again the day after she had visited him in his crypt at night. She had swung by after school and had stayed till he walked her home after sundown. Spike knew that the girl had not only dreaded to be alone but also that she'd still been mad at her sister. So he had tried to talk some sense into her and told her to get on well with Buffy. Hell, they were family after all.

'Must've gone well or the Bit would have been back complaining about the Slayer by now!' Spike thought as he walked through the cemetery towards Revello Drive. He wasn't going to visit the Summer's girls; he just wanted to make sure they're alright.

When Spike reached the front lawn of the house he searched in his pockets for a smoke and lighted one. Then he looked up to the house. Buffy's room was dark as well as Dawn's but he could see someone walking through the living room towards the kitchen. 'Not as thin as the Bit but taller than Buffy. Red? Or Glinda?' Spike wondered when he heard someone coming up the lawn behind him. He turned around quickly.

"Red?"

"Huh, ugh. Spike!" the witch stammered surprised. "I…ugh, what…I didn't… see you! Uh, hi!"

Spike could tell that Willow was uneasy by her blushing and looking down at the paper bag she was carrying. Was it just him she was uncomfortable with or had something bad happened?

Before he knew he heard himself ask:

"Everything alright?"

"Ugh, yeah, everything's fine. I mean, not… ugh, what…" Willow stuttered, "what are you doing here, Spike?"

"No need to worry, Red!" Spike told her, "Just passing by. You know I can't go inside anymore. You've seen to that, haven't you?"

"Yeah, well," Willow became even more nervous if possible, "I'm sorry about that. No, I mean, I'm not sorry, but…ugh. You see, Buffy asked me to… and she told me…"

"Oh, bollocks, spare me, Red. I'm sure I know every-bloody-thing she told you about…" Spike stopped embarrassed and threw his fag to the ground. He took an unneeded breath and continued:

"Look, Red. Buffy doesn't want me around, or she thinks for now she doesn't, okay, fine. I can live with that. But soon enough she's gonna change her mind or…" Spike frowned, "she already bloody did, but…"

"Huh?" Willow interrupted confused. "What are you talking about, Spike?"

"Nothing!" Spike replied quickly and defensively. "I just came by to look if the Slayer and the Lil'Bit were getting along well again after their little quarrel. Oh, and by the way," Spike suddenly remembered something, "you, Red, should really know bloody better than to let the kid mess with the dark stuff!"

"Huh? Spike, what…"

Spike took a step towards the baffled witch and glared at her. "You know bloody well what I'm talking about here! Egg on the Nibblet to mess with the dark arts? To bring her mom back? If I didn't have this soddin' chip inside my head, I would…"

Willow stepped back involuntarily. "I didn't… I thought…"

"Guess you didn't think at all, did you?"

"I…hey, how do you know about that anyhow?" Willow wanted to know.

"Caught the bit red-handed, that's how! She was at the cemetery, big dark magic spell book with her…"

"Oh god!" Willow gasped, "I'm so sorry. But you caught her in time?"

"I…" Spike broke of. Had that really been a 'sorry'? A Scooby apologizing to him; that threw him completely. He relented: "Well, I caught her before she could start anything. She came hiding in my crypt after Buffy nearly caught her on patrol and… I guessed what she was bloody about to try and then she started crying and…" Spike caught himself and looked sheepishly to the ground. "Well, nothing's happened, okay? No harm no foul!"

"Thanks Spike!" the witch sighed relieved. Then she added:

"Ugh, that was probably my first apology to you ever, huh?"

She caught the surprised and speechless look on the vampire's face and added: "Well, and from the dumb look on your face I'm judging you're gonna need some time digesting that, too."

Spike didn't know what to say. The surprises kept coming and coming this week; that's for sure. First there'd been the 'thing' with Buffy crawling all over him, letting him comfort her. Then the Nibblet had been crying on his shoulder like he was some kind of best friend and now Red started to apologize…

'Bloody hell, does anybody even **remember** that I'm evil?' Spike thought. Not that he complained but…

"Hey Willow, Spike! What are you doing out there?"

Spike's thoughts were interrupted by Dawn's call from the front door. The teen had been watching them from inside the house for a while before she'd decided to interrupt whatever serious talk they'd been having.

"Ugh, nothing, Dawnie. Just, you know, talking." Willow ensured quickly.

"Yeah, so why don't you two come in and talk in the house. We…"

"No!" Willow shouted all of a sudden.

"Why not?" Dawn wondered, "The popcorn's ready and the DVD-player's waiting for the movie. You **did** bring the movie, didn't you?"

"No… I mean, yeah, I brought the disc but… we can't…. Spike can't…"

"What?" the girl inquired.

The vampire watched Willow squirm about and smirked. He knew what had gotten the Wicca's knickers in a twist all of a sudden. Dawn had said 'come in'. That meant he had an invite to the house again. So what? He knew he wouldn't go inside because Buffy would throw him out again instantly. But it was fun watching Willow blush and squirm about nevertheless. So he turned towards the witch and smirked:

"Yeah, Red. What is it I can't?"

Willow threw a punctured glance at him. "You know Buffy doesn't want you in the house, Spike. That's what I did the disinvite for. And if you…"

"You did **what**?" Dawn interrupted, "You disinvited him?" She glared at Willow furiously.

Spike looked at the thrown girl and decided to jump in for the witch.

"It's okay, Nibblet. Your sis doesn't want me in the house and…"

"And what about me? You're my friend, Spike.** I **want you around!" Dawn threw back at him.

"Look, Dawnie," Willow tried to intervene.

"No! Spike is my friend and you can't shut him out." Dawn answered determined. "This is **my** house, too and I want him around and you don't get a say in this. And Buffy can't do anything about it because she's gone away right now." Dawn's gaze turned from Willow to Spike. "So you're coming in!"

"Buffy's gone?" the vampire wondered alarmed. What was going on here? Why did the Slayer take off and leave her sister all alone so shortly after everything that had happened? And with that Glory chick still looking around for the key? "What do you mean she's gone?" he asked aloud.

"Buffy's gone on some 'Slayer-Watcher-vision-quest' with Giles." Willow explained. "They went to a sacred place somewhere in the desert today. We don't know when they will be back." She put on her resolve-face and added: "But that's got nothing to do with you. We're doing fine here. Tara and I are staying here tonight to look after Dawn and Xander and Anya are doing the patrolling. So you see we're all covered. We don't need you around, Spike!"

"Oh, yeah. Right," Spike said determined, "and what are you gonna do if that hell bitch is showing up? You're gonna mojo her into a bunny or what?"

"No," Willow said defensively, "if you must know Tara and I are working on a powerful spell against Glory. We will be able to…"

"You wouldn't even notice the chick and her minions till they were right in front of you! And while you're still trying to mutter your spell the bitch would knock you out and take the Lil'Bit with her. I won't let that happen so I'm coming in and staying with you girls."

Willow looked into the vampire's face and saw nothing but determination and concern. And that minute she knew for sure that Spike cared about Dawn like he'd cared about Joyce and he probably did about Buffy as well. He would do anything in his power to protect Dawn.

Willow's resolve had already crumbled but it did furthermore when her gaze traveled to Dawn and she saw the look of joy and, yes, admiration the girl threw at the vampire. Buffy had been right, the teen had obviously a big crush on Spike. But what girl at the age of fifteen wouldn't crush on a cool and kind of good-looking protector like this?

What? She was gay, okay, but that didn't mean she'd close her eye to a cute guy, right? Even if he was evil. Well, kind of.

The redhead sighed. She knew that if Glory would really show up they would get into big trouble. The teleportation spell they had used last time to get rid of Glory was far too dangerous to try again and other than that she had to admit they had nothing really good in store. Spike would be a big help after all.

"Okay, Spike," she relented finally, "you can come in. But Buffy will be terribly mad at me for letting you stay." With that she started to walk back to the front door. Dawn followed smiling contently and left a stunned Spike at the steps.

He had never thought the witch would give up her resolve that quickly. But, well…

"Hello bloody gift horse; I'm not gonna look into your mouth that's for sure!" he muttered and followed the two girls over the threshold.

When he entered the living room Dawn was already busy putting a disc into the DVD player. He looked around. A large bowl of self-made popcorn was placed on the couch table along with three glasses filled with some sort of juice. The witches were nowhere to be seen but Spike could hear them talking in the kitchen.

Suddenly Willow shouted over: "Spike, do you want something to drink? Juice? Blood?"

"No, I'm good, Red. Thanks though."

"Sure? There's even some beer Xander left somewhere in the fridge. I could…"

"No, I'm fine!"

"Okay." Willow answered and entered the living room with a bowl of chips in her arm.

Seemed that Tara had nothing to object to Spike's presence because when the blond witch followed her girlfriend into the living room she gave him a shy but warm smile and sat down on the couch next to Willow. Dawn had seated herself on a big and comfy cushion in front of the TV and looked now at him expectantly.

"So, Spike," she grinned with an evil glint in her eyes, "sit down and get ready for a night full of good old mushy-squashy romantic girly love stories. You're up to it?"

Spike, who had started to shrug his duster off his shoulders, straightened out and pulled it up again.

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"Oh come on, Spike," Willow chirped, "don't tell me the Big Bad is scared of a romantic movie."

Spike groaned and plopped down into the armchair. He knew there'd be a catch!

"Perhaps you can even learn something here," Tara added with a mischievous smile.

"Oh bloody hell," the vampire sighed, "Red, what did you say about beer earlier? I think I could use one now!" 'Or perhaps ten,' Spike thought and braced himself for hours of torture.

'Bloody hell, who am I kidding? Perhaps Glinda is right and I can pick up a few pointers. If Buffy finds out about this I'm gonna need all my charms not to get staked anyway. So, what the hell?'

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TBC 

**Just one or two more chapters to go. Your chances to review are getting smaller so do it now and make me happy!**


	6. Chapter Six

**Cravings**

Chapter Six

**Okay, I'm back with a new chapter and I hope there are still people out there waiting for it. But even if there weren't I would still post this till the end. Otherwise my mind wouldn't be free for something new. And there's already something new on my mind; so I have to finish this quite soon. But there's still too much stuff I want to put into this story, so I guess there will be another two or three chapters. I hope you guys still like it.**

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Buffy and Giles were on their way back home from their quest in the desert where Giles had performed the ritual earlier. It had sent Buffy a spirit guide in the form of the first Slayer who should have had answers to all her questions. But all it had said had only added to her confusion. It had spoken in such riddles that Buffy was unable to put sense into the words.

'Death is your gift.'

Buffy had wrapped her mind around the words over and over again on their silent way home. She couldn't bring any sense into them. Death wasn't a gift; not at all. It was painful and it hurt whenever she thought about it.

Her mom…

Buffy sighed inwardly and let her thoughts travel to the other things the first Slayer had said. She had assured that Buffy hadn't lost her ability to love; that she was full of love. All she had to do was to accept her feelings; to allow them to guide her and they would lead her to her gift.

'So that means my feelings will lead me to death, right?' Buffy wondered. The words 'feelings' and 'death' together in one sentence made her inevitably think of…

…Spike.

He was a vampire; that meant he was dead. And he claimed to have feelings for her. He said that he loved her. But vampires couldn't love, could they? Not without a soul.

But if Buffy was truly honest with herself she had to admit that this theory didn't fit anymore. Well, at least not with Spike. He didn't fit into that 'all-vampires-are-evil-and-don't-care-about-anything-but-blood-and-mayhem-and-doing-evil' scheme.

A scheme the council had built up and held over years. And she had taken it for granted.

It was just not like Spike anymore. And, if it was true what she'd heard him say about why he'd killed his own mother, it hadn't been like him ever.

The way he'd reacted to her mom's death, the way he'd comforted herself and Dawn, the way he looked out for them…

…no, Buffy had to admit that Spike really did care about Dawn. And obviously about her as well. He truly loved her.

And it didn't matter to him if he went against everything a vampire should ever do or feel (well, a vampire shouldn't feel at all). It didn't matter that he had to turn away from evil and go against his nature. That was what he had done, right? Buffy tried to think about when it had been the last time Spike had done something evil.

Oh, well. okay. Chaining her up and threatening to let Drusilla kill her if she didn't admit some feelings for him…

…that had probably not been one of his best actions. But she could understand his intent. And after all… he had not let Drusilla have her way; he had helped her out, hadn't he?

"Are you feeling alright?"

Giles' voice suddenly interrupted Buffy's train of thoughts. She turned towards him and managed a weak smile.

"Yeah," she answered, "just thinking, you know?"

"About what the spirit guide told you?" Giles inquired cautiously.

Buffy hesitated. Perhaps she should ask Giles about his opinion? Not what he thought as a watcher but his own thoughts as a friend, a father, whatever. So she braced herself and said eventually:

"No, actually I was thinking about Spike."

"Spike?"

"Yes," Buffy answered and added before she would change her mind again, "do you think he's really able to… to have feelings?"

Giles threw a glance at the girl he thought of as a daughter. "You mean if I think him capable of… love?"

Buffy nodded mutely.

"Buffy," Giles sighed, "he's a vampire. Vampires cannot love. They are not capable of feelings of any kind."

"That's what you have to believe as a watcher, Giles. But what do **you **think? Personally?"

"Buffy…"

"No, Giles, I mean… I know that vampires are supposed to be evil and I know the terrible things Spike's done in the past. But…" she hesitated, "remember what he was like when he first came to Sunnydale and then look at him now. Don't you see that he's changed, Giles?"

Giles didn't like the desperate tone that had crept into his slayer's voice. He tried to reason:

"That's the chip, Buffy! Spike cannot kill humans anymore but that doesn't mean…"

"No!" Buffy cut him off instantly, "It's not just the chip. The chip stops him from killing people but it can't make him do all those things. Good things."

"What good things, Buffy?" Giles asked determined to set things straight. "He kills demons because he craves the violence and not to help you! And if he's happened to help us out that's because he gets blood or money in return. Spike is a selfish being; only looking for his own benefit! He's a demon whose only interest is to gain any advantage he can get!"

"And what advantage does he get from looking out for Dawn? Caring about her? Stopping her from doing stupid things like trying to bring mom back from death?" Buffy threw back at a stunned Giles.

"Pardon? Dawn tried what?"

"She wanted to do a spell to bring mom back and Spike caught her in time and he stopped her," Buffy told him enraged. "I secretly watched him comfort her, Giles. He didn't have to do it, he could have just let her mess with the dark arts and watch us all suffering from afar. But he didn't!"

"Buffy," Giles tried again to open her eyes, "if he did indeed do these things than he did it just to get into your good graces. He is lusting after you and therefore he would try anything to… to get into your pants!" Giles found it very hard to concentrate on driving his car with such a delicate discussion going on.

"To get into my pants?" Buffy repeated stunned that her ex-watcher would use such an 'un-british' term.

"Yes! Buffy, everything Spike does he does out of ulterior motives! Don't you see that?"

Buffy answered immediately: "And why would he embarrass himself by crying together with me over my mom's death if he didn't care about her? Why would he comfort me and hold me and kiss me and then **reject** me when I finally gave in to him if all he ever wanted is to get into my pants?"

The car screeched to a sudden halt when Giles stepped on the brakes forcefully. When the engine had died spluttering he turned white-faced towards Buffy and stared at her in shock. Not a single word came out of his mouth.

"I'm sorry, Giles." Buffy murmured, "I know you'd probably be the last person I ever thought I would talk to about this and you must be shocked to death but… now that we've started… it was just… he was… he simply was there for me. He didn't take advantage of the situation. He was… nice."

"When…?" was all Giles could let out.

"The night after mom died. When I'd finished patrol he was there and he somehow knew what had happened and… he was really sorry, Giles. I started crying and then he cried, too and he took me into his arms and held me close and then…"

Giles took a deep breath and signed her to go on. "Then?"

"Well, then one thing led to another and we… we kissed and..." Buffy blushed slightly.

"I don't think I want to hear more, Buffy." Giles managed to say.

"Okay, I won't go into details but…" Buffy glanced up to Giles' face, "the point is… it was **Spike** who broke the kiss. **Spike **stopped me from going any further; not the other way round. Why would he do that if all he ever wanted was… you know?"

"I don't know, Buffy. I really don't. But I'm not inclined to believe Spike did it to stop you from making a terrible mistake," Giles said determined.

"A mistake…" Buffy whispered, "that's what it would have been, right?"

Giles' eyes shot up at the questioning tone of Buffy's voice. He looked closely at her and before he could stop himself he said:

"Oh dear! You do have feelings for him, don't you?"

Buffy looked down at her lap and sighed. For a long time she didn't reply but finally she lifted her head and Giles was able to look into her eyes. What he saw was nothing but confusion.

"I don't know, Giles. Maybe I do. What I know for sure is that Spike has changed. And it's not just the chip, it's **him**. I can't go on treating him like the evil vampire he once was. I am certain he deserves better."

"But he'll never deserve **you**, Buffy!"

Giles' voice was once again determined and fierce. He continued:

"Buffy, I know that I'm neither your watcher nor your father. I don't have the right to forbid you anything. But if you are thinking about starting a… relationship with a vampire, a soulless one on top, then there's only one thing I can promise you."

Buffy met his eyes and waited for the inevitable 'he-will-be-dust-the-moment-he-as-much-as-touches-you-again'. But it didn't come.

Instead Giles managed a slight smile and said:

"Trouble. Big bad trouble!"

Buffy smiled back. God, she loved Giles. Though he obviously didn't approve of her getting involved with Spike (and there was still a big 'IF' with a question mark behind it) Giles would never try to interfere. He would simply watch her making her own decisions. Or making mistakes?

"Guess I have to find out by myself." she sighed and watched Giles starting the car again. The rest of the drive home they both sat in silence.

* * *

Spike was waiting.

He had started pacing back and forth in his crypt; smoking one fag after the other and occasionally taking big swigs out of his whiskey bottle.

He was waiting for the striking lightning that had to come. It couldn't be that he would actually get away with this. No, fate or the sodding powers or whatever was up there guarding the world would strike any time now. They would inevitably take him down; for he refused to believe they would actually allow an evil vampire like him to have so much luck in his unlife. It couldn't be that all the good surprises which had happened to him over the last few days would go unnoticed.

But so far nothing had happened.

Two nights ago Spike had survived the movie-night at the Summer's house without a scratch. Okay, so he had been forced to watch one girly flick after the other. And all with the Lil'Bit drooling over whatever poncy romantic fool had been the hero of the hour. Even the Wicca's had gone all mushy over that one bloke, whatever-his-name-was, and they were gay!

But Spike had actually had a great time mocking the sodding bloke with his great actions for being all poofy and peaches-like. It had led to a heated but funny discussion between him and Willow about men in general and their heroism in order to impress the other sex.

Their argument had been real fun but Spike had soon been overpowered by all three girls and their opinion on how a man should woe a woman. He had stored away their way of seeing it for… well, perhaps he would be able to use it any time or the other.

The pleasant evening had ended when the whelp and his demon girl had shown up after patrol. Xander had been speechless to say the least when he'd seen Spike sitting among the girls in the living room. At first. Then he'd started yelling at him and suddenly all the girls, **all the girls, mind you**, had been jumping in for him. Him! The female members of the Scooby gang had been defending the Big Bad against their own friend!

Spike had been watching with stunned awe while Xander hadn't known what had come on to him. He had stood there listening to Red's ramblings about the nice evening and Spike only being there to help and protect Dawn. The witch had turned on her resolve-face and had asked, no ordered the whelp to cut some slack for the vampire. After that she'd dared her friend to say anything against it and…

…the whelp had truly managed to shut his gob and had silently sat down on the sofa for the rest of the night.

When the sun had nearly come up and everyone had prepared to finally go to bed Spike had left the house (but not without confirming to a pleading Dawn that he would come over again the next evening if Buffy would still be gone by then).

Spike had to dash back to his crypt in order to flee the sun and when he had arrived safe and sound he had nearly immediately fallen into a deep and carefree slumber.

He had awoken in the late afternoon the next day, yesterday, and after drowning a big mug of pig's blood he had waited for the time to go by. When the sun had set he had left the crypt in direction of Revello Drive. He had promised the Bit to come over again and that was what he'd do!

But when he'd reached the house Spike had seen Buffy descending the watcher's car. The slayer hadn't noticed him hiding behind 'his tree' and so Spike had stayed there watching what was going on inside. He had had no doubt that some way or the other Buffy would soon find out about his visit the other night.

And Spike didn't want to be anywhere near the probably raging Slayer. So he'd turned around and walked off to go and kill something.

Would be his last chance anyway, wouldn't it? As soon as Buffy would find him he would be at the wrong end of her little pointy stick.

That had been yesterday. Since then Spike had been waiting in his crypt, waiting for either Buffy or fate calling in.

But nothing had happened.

He didn't believe for one single second that Buffy would simply accept the reason for his 'friendly stay-over' for what it had been. True concern for the Nibblet (and if he was honest for Red and Glinda as well, but he would never ever admit it openly).

No, Buffy would believe…

"Bloody hell, I have no fucking idea what she'd believe but she's never gonna simply let me get away with it!" Spike cursed and took another swig of whiskey.

He nearly started choking when the door of his crypt was suddenly squeezed open and Buffy shoved her head inside.

"Oh, bloody hell!" He sighed and braced himself for whatever was to come.

"Ugh, hi Spike!" Buffy greeted him astonishingly cautious and walked down the few steps. "I hope I'm not disturbing you?"

'What was that?' Spike thought, 'Disturbing me? If I didn't know better I would say the slayer is… nervous.' He placed the whiskey bottle on top of the nearest sarcophagus and looked Buffy up and down.

"Are you feeling alright, Slayer?" he asked smirking. "Cause that was probably the most unusual entry you ever managed to make. Normally you just barge right in here."

"I know," Buffy spoke and looked almost shy to the side. "But I've decided to change a few things."

'God, is she blushing?' Spike wondered and managed to ask:

"Is that right? And what things would that be, pet?"

"Well, first of all…" Buffy broke of unsure how to go on. She was terribly nervous and she wasn't even sure what it was she wanted to tell Spike.

"I… I wanted to thank you." Buffy whispered eventually.

"What?"

* * *

**TBC**

**I know I'm really evil to leave it at this point for now. But I had to make a break somewhere because what is yet to come would be too much for one chapter. But the next chapter is already completely written and will be posted later this week. So please review and the good stuff will come soon. Promise!**


	7. Chapter Seven

**Cravings**

Chapter Seven

**Sorry, sorry, sorry for the terribly long delay. I don't have any excuse besides me being lazy and inspiration having obviously gone on holiday. But it came back with such force that you'll now get all of it.**

Today I'm posting both this and the next (final) chapter and I really hope there's someone out there still waiting for it. I guess there is cause I got all these wonderful and kind reviews on chapter six; thanks so much for your nice words. You are my reason for writing!  
I hope you're not disappointed with me that I'm finishing this story rather sudden and I really hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing the last parts. And now I'm gonna shut up.

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**This part starts right where we left our beloved ones...**

"I… I wanted to thank you," Buffy whispered eventually.

"What?"

Spike didn't think he'd heard her right. This couldn't be happening now, could it? Buffy thanking him?

"What the hell for, pet?" he inquired when Buffy didn't answer at all.

'Now this would be the hard part,' the slayer sighed inwardly. She was at a total loss. Perhaps she should have thought about what to say before she'd actually come to see Spike? But it was too late now, wasn't it? Now she was here and Spike was staring at her like she'd grown a second head. And he was waiting for her to say something. So she took a deep breath and started quietly:

"You know… well, I mean…" Buffy broke off helplessly. She never would have guessed it to be that hard to say 'Thank you' to someone.

"Well, no, pet, I really don't. I mean," Spike shrugged and started pacing. "Last time I saw you, you ran out of here disgusted with yourself. And now you're thanking me? What for?"

He stopped pacing and threw a glance at Buffy who was still looking everywhere but in his direction. Without seeing her face he couldn't tell what was going on in that pretty head of hers.

Suddenly Buffy lifted her stare from the floor and threw Spike a confused glance. And then her mouth opened and an incomprehensible rush of words came out:

"IwantedtothankyouforlookingafterDawnandcaringaboutherandforyoubeingthere…"

"Whoa, slayer," Spike interrupted and took a few steps nearer to the rambling girl, "hold on a sec. Even with my enhanced hearing I didn't get a word of that. Now you go again but don't skip the breathing part between the words, okay?"

"Spike, stop making fun of me." Buffy answered annoyed. "This is really hard."

Spike froze. "Oh yeah, right," he spat with sudden anger, "having to thank an evil monster like yours truly really takes it out of you, doesn't it? Sorry I forgot! But since I really don't remember having done anything lately that would make you bloody thank me… why don't you skip the whole nice-making and go back to threatening me? It suits you better anyway, Slayer!"

Buffy threw an irritated glare at the vampire. Why did he have to be so infuriating all the time? And why was he suddenly back to calling her 'Slayer'? Not that she **wanted** to be called 'pet' or 'luv' but…

Buffy forced herself to not raise to the bait and yell back. Instead she took a deep breath and answered:

"I… I'm not gonna threaten you, Spike. I just…" she broke of and sighed deeply. "Okay, once again," she braced herself. "I wanted to thank you for… for what you did… you know… stopping Dawn."

There, it was out.

"Oh, t'was no big, Slayer." Spike answered still thrown by Buffy being nice.

"But it **is** big, Spike!" Buffy gave back and looked into his eyes. "I don't dare to think of what could have happened if Dawn had really… you know, I tried to talk her out of it, too but… she didn't listen to me… she never does… and then you come along and… well, " Buffy frowned, " what you told her and how you comforted her… well, I don't know; she really listened to you." Buffy sighed again and added as an afterthought: "She likes you."

"And that's what's bugging you, isn't it?"

"No, I mean yeah…" Buffy thought about it briefly, "no, I know it should but… the way you treat her I can understand that she likes you."

Spike took a step closer to her and smirked: " Is that right?"

"Yeah, I know you can be all nice and… well, nice." Buffy glanced away quickly. It was true, she had seen that side of him herself but what she didn't get was…

"How?" she spoke her last thought out loud.

"Huh?" Spike frowned, "How what?"

"How can you… care? Without a soul?" Buffy finally managed to express what had been weighing on her mind for so long now. Ever since he'd declared his love for her she'd thought about how it was possible for him to… feel? To love?

Spike sighed. It all came back to that one fucking thing. How could he love without a soul?

"Believe it or not, Slayer," he tried to explain, "this whole crap about vampires not being able to love is just that. Bloody crap! Vampires can love. They do. It may be different to how humans do but…"

"Okay, I get the Sire-Childe thing but…" she interrupted but Spike beat her to it.

"No, pet. Not just between Sires and their Childers. In fact that's hardly got anything to do with love. It's all about power and domination. It may turn into love, well, take me and Dru for example…" Spike broke off. Not the best example he could have used, was it?

Buffy smiled slightly. "Oh yeah, **that one** turned out great, didn't it?"

Spike threw her a piercing glance but when he answered his voice was soft: "Would have gone well but for you."

"Me?" Buffy wondered. "What did I have to do with that?"

"Nothing," Spike assured quickly, "but Dru knew that I'd fall in love with you before** I** did. She said the stars told her, remember?" He rolled his eyes at that.

Yeah, Buffy did remember. But that didn't mean she had to understand…

"But how could you…?"

Spike shrugged and started pacing. "Believe me, pet. If I'd known it would happen I never would have come back here! I never fucking wanted this to happen! If I knew how to stop loving you…"

Buffy felt as if a bucket of ice-water was suddenly crashing down onto her. Spike never wanted to love her! He hated it! Involuntarily she took a step backwards and stammered:

"Oh, I see…"

She turned around and started walking to the door. How stupid of her to think they could actually try to get along, try to work it out. 'God, I'm so glad I didn't confess anything!' she thought embarrassed and reached out her hand to open the crypt door.

"But there's nothing I can do about it."

Spike's quiet voice broke through to Buffy and she let the door slip out of her hand again. Stunned she turned around.

"What?"

Spike's eyes pierced her longingly. "Buffy," he sighed and stepped closer, "I never asked for any of this. I never wanted to fall in love with you. But now that I bloody did…"

"Yeah?" Buffy pried and moved down the steps towards him.

Spike took an unneeded breath and said:

"I can't help it, Buffy. I love you! I would do anything for you."

Buffy's heart skipped and she felt like being hit by an electric bolt. In a good way. Disturbing and frightening; but strangely good.

She managed a weak smile despite her racing heart.

"I know."

Spike stared incredulously at the woman he would give his last limb for.

The crumb he had been craving for; there it was. Though Buffy hadn't said she loved him back, well in fact she hadn't admitted any feelings for him at all, to Spike this simple 'I know' was a bigger smidgen than he'd ever dreamed to get. It was more than he'd ever thought possible.

Buffy believed that he loved her! She accepted it! She hadn't denied his feelings, she hadn't shut him down, she…

Spike locked his eyes to her green orbs and searched for any sign of repulsion, disgust or even a shimmer of doubt. But all he could catch was a slight astonishment, much more confusion and above all…excitement? Even joy?

When he took another cautious step towards her he couldn't hide the true smile spreading over his face. Not a cocky smirk but a real heartfelt smile.

The two were standing face to face now with only inches between them.

"You know, pet?" he asked huskily.

"Yeah," Buffy whispered. Her heart was racing in her chest and she knew that Spike could hear it. But she didn't care; all she could do was wonder how it was possible for two simple words to conjure up such a genuine smile. And how that smile managed to change his features into the most beautiful face she'd ever seen. God, he really was gorgeous.

Without a thought she lifted her hand to trace the lines on his face tenderly. His skin felt cool but soft, smooth but strong… so full of contradictions. And that's just what he was. Buffy suddenly understood.

Spike had closed his eyes in bliss at the first tender caress of Buffy's hand. He crooked his head slightly and leaned into the touch afraid that if he moved further this dream would be over.

Buffy watched his face in stunned awe. She couldn't believe how she'd ever managed to see a soulless monster in the man she saw now. And why had she tried to convince herself that it was wrong to care about him?

Why had she felt the need to deny her feelings? What was it she'd been so afraid of?

"Spike?" Buffy whispered.

He snapped out of his relishing trance with reluctance and forced the emotions shown on his face back into a mask of control. Only when he had his feelings stashed away he opened his eyes; he needed to be prepared for the scorn Buffy would probably show him for craving her touch that badly. She had to be disgusted by his need. And he couldn't bear seeing that but neither was he able to avoid her eyes.

Buffy's face was mere inches away from his and all he could see in her beautiful eyes was… hope?

"Spike," she repeated and he could feel her breath on his own lips. "Would you please kiss me?"

Spike didn't bother with an answer but leaned down and covered her waiting lips with his own.

* * *

**to be concluded...**

**Okay, I know this chapter turned out rather short but I had to set the break at this point. It's some sort of small happy end and the bigger one is already waiting for you. The final chapter turned out much longer than every other part but I hope you're gonna like it nevertheless. But please, before you move on to it: review this and make me happy.**


	8. Chapter Eight

**Cravings**

Chapter Eight

**So here it is, the last chapter of my story. I hope you'll like the end.**

**On the one hand I'm glad that it's finally done but on the other hand I'm sure I'm gonna miss this. I know for sure that I'm gonna miss all your kind reviews. Thanks for staying with me till the end.**

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Spike was in heaven. He had to be because this – the feel of Buffy's soft lips against his own; willingly and, well, real – this was nothing but heavenly bliss. But since being a vampire and being in heaven were two things that normally wouldn't go together well Spike knew for sure that he wasn't. In heaven that is.

He was standing in the middle of his dark and dank crypt. And he was kissing the Slayer. And, more important, she was kissing him back.

This was as close to heaven as Spike could think of. Not that he could think very straight right now because kissing Buffy… well, it had left his mind completely blank. There was not one coherent thought in his head and neither was there any blood left for his brain to work. It had all traveled south where it had settled in his groin to leave him painfully hard.

But Spike didn't mind.

In fact it felt incredibly good. Buffy was leaning in close and he could feel her breasts pressing against his chest. She had wrapped her arms around his neck and was currently ruffling through his short hair. The touch made his skin tingle with electricity.

Spike couldn't stop a soft groan from coming out of his throat and he pulled his arms closer around the girl to caress her back. A matching groan escaped Buffy's lips just before she had to pull her mouth away to eventually draw a deep breath.

Spike was also panting heavily (though he didn't need the air) when he lifted his head slightly and opened his eyes to look at Buffy.

The Slayer's green eyes were opened wide and held Spike's anticipating blue gaze. Neither of them dared to speak or shift; they kept holding each other close afraid to spoil the moment by moving.

Finally Spike lifted his hand to caress Buffy's cheek.

"Buffy," he breathed softly.

The slayer gulped and lowered her eyes to her feet. She stepped backwards and let go of Spike who reluctantly took his arms away as well.

"I… ugh, I have to go," Buffy stammered and took another step back.

"Buffy, wait," Spike pleaded, "we need to talk about this."

"No, Spike, look," Buffy answered, "I have to go. Dawn… she'll be home soon and I promised to be there when she gets back. You see, I don't like her being all alone in the house and…"

"But this, Buffy… what is this?" Spike wanted to know.

"This," Buffy said and looked up, "is… I don't know, Spike. Nothing."

"Nothing, Slayer?" Spike's voice rose, "We kissed, Buffy. **You** kissed me!"

"Hey, **you** kissed **me**, too!" Buffy shot back.

"Yeah, well," Spike stepped closer, "What do you expect? I love you."

"Yeah, and I…" Buffy stopped herself by covering her mouth quickly with a hand. She sent an unsure glance at the baffled vampire.

"You what?" he wanted to know.

"I…" Buffy stopped and turned around to start walking towards the door. But after three steps she faced Spike again and when she spoke her voice was soft and pleading:

"I don't know, Spike. It's all very... confusing. Just… just give me some time to think, okay?"

Spike sighed and ruffled his hair slightly.

"Okay, Slayer. Bloody think about it. But mind this: Avoiding me won't make it go away. **I** won't go away."

"I don't want you to." Buffy answered and opened the door to step out into the cemetery.

Spike turned around and walked over towards his armchair. When he sank into it he whispered:

"She doesn't want me away."

The smile that had spread out over his face with the words stayed for the rest of the night.

* * *

When Buffy entered her kitchen through the back door her mind was still reeling around the last words she'd said to Spike: 'I don't want you to go away.'

It was true. She wanted him around; she needed him.

And not just because he was the strongest fighter at her side; not for being the muscle. Spike had become so infinitely more to her.

The last few days or even weeks had shown Buffy just everything Spike was or could be. Sure, most times he was smug and cocky and annoying as hell… but he could also be compassionate and tender; kind and gentle. He was strong and determined in his actions and if he'd set his mind on something he'd do anything in his power to achieve it. You could almost call him reliable.

Buffy smiled inwardly. Spike and reliable… two words she'd never thought she'd use in one breath.

But it was the truth. She'd started to rely on him. To protect Dawn, to help herself out… to be there for her.

And he'd proven worthy of it on numerous accounts. He had been there for her to rely on and Buffy new for sure that nothing would ever stop him from keeping it up. Spike would be there for her for the rest of his life if she'd only let him.

'And,' her inner voice screamed, 'you depend on it. You want it. You want **him**.'

It was right; that tiny little voice inside had a point. She wanted him. She couldn't think of a life without him; she didn't **dare** to think of him not being there.

Buffy sighed and sank down on the couch in the living room. Okay, so she'd finally admitted to herself that she wanted Spike.

And he obviously wanted her as well; his craving had been evident in the kiss. Buffy could still feel the softness of his lips upon her own; she could still recall the taste of it. Cool and tender lips begging for acceptance; craving for it.

Buffy suddenly knew for sure that she was more than willing to give it to him. Acceptance, care; even stronger feelings. Everything he needed she was willing to give.

So why had she freaked earlier? Why had she felt the need to run away and leave him in doubt of her feelings? Even if she didn't dare to call it love yet; she had feelings for Spike and he had the right to know.

But she had wavered; she had chickened out like a scared little girl.

Why?

There was nothing to be afraid of, was there?

Suddenly Buffy was pulled harshly out of her thoughts by the noise of the front door opening. Willow, Tara and Dawn came walking into the living room chatting lively.

"Oh, hey Buffy," Willow smiled, "you're home early. No patrolling tonight?"

"Huh?" Buffy looked up to her friends startled. "Oh, yes, patrolling. Later," she sighed and suddenly she knew what had driven her to chicken out on Spike.

'What would they think of me if they knew?' she thought sadly.

* * *

"And, you know," Dawn had kept on chatting with Tara oblivious to her sister's mood, "it's just what the guy in the movie did wrong. Even Spike had to agree on it and he's a guy, too. Well, sort of."

Buffy's head snapped up at the mentioning of Spike and her eyes went big.

"Spike?" she inquired anxiously.

Willow watched her friend with sudden concern. Something seemed to be bothering Buffy; she looked kind of… aloof.

"Buffy?" she addressed her cautiously, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Buffy's gaze traveled to the witch. "Sure, Wills. What's up?" She stood up and tried to compose herself.

"Ugh, kitchen?" Willow nodded backwards and started walking over to the cooking aisle. Buffy frowned and followed slowly.

The redhead waited nervously while Buffy took a seat at one of the stools in front of the counter. Then she took a deep breath and asked:

"Buffy, is everything alright?"

Buffy frowned again. "Sure, Will."

"Really? You seem to be… I don't know, bothered."

"Bothered? Why, no. Why should I be bothered?" Buffy couldn't look into her friend's eyes and glanced down at her feet.

"I don't know," Willow tried to sound comforting, "you look aloof and… rattled. Kind of confused." Buffy kept silent and Willow grew more nervous. She started babbling:

"You're flushed and your hair is tangled... and your lipstick is all smeared… huh, you look like you were involved in a big fight... or big smooches." She smiled slightly. The latter was meant to cheer Buffy up but the blond girl blushed furiously and avoided Willow's eyes even more. And suddenly Willow knew she'd hit the nail on the head.

"Oh, goddess, that's it, isn't it?" she rambled, "you got big smoochies with…" she broke of and frowned, "with… huh, but it's not possible. With whom, Buffy?"

"Willow, " Buffy started uncomfortably, "I… I can't…"

Willow was still rambling: "Ugh, I mean, not that you're not smooch-able or… but I didn't know there was someone… there is someone, right? I mean, you don't have to spill it if you don't want to but… you know you can talk to me. You do know, don't you?"

Buffy looked up and sighed. "Will, it's not… it's not what you think. It's really complicated and I don't know…" she broke off helplessly when she felt a big lump settle in her throat. "I can't tell you cause I don't know... it's nothing, Willow!" she sniffled slightly. Damn, she wouldn't cry!

Willow walked closer to the distressed slayer and placed a tentative hand on her forearm.

"Now, Buffy. You know you can tell me anything. It can't be that bad, can it?"

Buffy shook her head. "Oh, Willow. You have no idea! It's the size of bad you would never think possible."

"Big bad, huh?" Willow stated oblivious that again she'd hit the nail on the head.

"Big Bad, yeah." Buffy sighed and couldn't stop a single tear from falling down.

Willow watched her friend silently and tried to think of something to say. 'Big bad. Wait, big… oh!' Her eyes went suddenly huge. She yelped: "Oh! You mean…"

All Buffy could manage was throw a helpless glance at the witch and nod.

"Buffy…" Willow whispered, "it's… Spike?"

The slayer nodded again and let out a small sob.

"Buffy, what happened? What did he do to you? Did you… I mean, did he… you know, hurt you? Did he force you?" Willow hesitated. What had Spike done? It had to be something terrible if Buffy was that put out by it.

"Force me?" Buffy wondered, "What? No! Willow, no. Nothing like that! He didn't do anything." Buffy smiled slightly. "I mean, okay, he… he kissed me."

"What?" Willow inquired, "He kissed you? Just like that? Out of the blue?"

"No, I…" Buffy looked up insecurely. She was afraid of what would show on Willow's face if she'd tell her the whole story but at the same time she was eager to let it all out. So she braced herself and said: "Well, the first kiss was kind of out of the blue. It was the night after mom… died," she gulped, "and Spike comforted me when I started crying and then… you know," Buffy stopped embarrassed.

"It's okay, Buffy. Go on." Willow assured.

"Well, we kissed and suddenly I was all over him. I felt so lost and he was there, you know? But he stopped me from going any further."

"**He** stopped **you**?" Willow wondered.

"Yeah, I know. It was completely weird but he was all gentle and comforting and…"

"And?"

"And, well, next time I saw him I completely freaked out on him and ran away and then I went on that trip with Giles and the First Slayer told me that death was my gift and love would lead me to it and…"

"Huh?" Willow didn't think she saw the connection between the advice of the spirit guide and Spike kissing Buffy.

"It doesn't matter." Buffy waved it away. "Anyway, I had already realized that Spike had gradually changed and after the spiritual trip I decided to change a few things, too and that's why this evening I went to his crypt to thank him for looking out for Dawn the other night and all that." Buffy pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and continued determined to get over with it: "And then… then I asked him to kiss me again," she finished embarrassed but glad she'd let it all out.

"You… wow!" Willow was taken aback. Buffy had asked Spike to kiss her? "But Buffy, why? I mean… do you… do you love him?"

"No!" Buffy answered a bit too quickly. "I mean, I don't know," she relented, "I don't think it's love but… I guess I… have feelings for him." She looked down at her shoes again.

"Wow!" Willow exclaimed. "Wow!" she repeated more cheerful.

Buffy looked up anxiously. "You're not disgusted? Freaked?"

"Freaked? No, Buffy." Willow assured quickly, "Why should I be freaked?"

"Because it's **Spike**!" Buffy exclaimed helplessly.

"Yeah, well, okay. I have to admit I'm not completely thrilled by the thought of the two of you exchanging big smoochies but… hey, wait!" Willow suddenly remembered something. "At least that explains the huge energy-boost."

"Energy-what?" Buffy frowned, "Huh?"

Now it was Willow's time to look embarrassed.

"Well, I did this thing the other night," she confessed.

"What thing?"

"You know that Tara has been trying to teach me how to read people's auras, right? She's pretty good at it and I wanted to learn it, too because it can be really helpful in figuring people out."

Willow didn't notice Buffy's confused look and continued: "I started practicing on Spike because he's kind of fascinating. I mean in a magical kind of way. His aura has always been strong and powerful; dark shades with bright red and white spots in it. Well, it's really difficult to explain. But him being a vampire always made the reading kind of… blurry. Like looking at it through layers of veils. Like seeing bright spots at the bottom of a deep ocean, you know?"

No, Buffy didn't know but she was trying to understand nevertheless.

Willow went on: "The other night when Spike was here watching movies with us I looked at his aura again. And I noticed a complete difference. Well, no, not a complete difference. His aura was still very dark, shades of blue and violet and purple and the dark was still all blurry. But where the lighter spots had been everything was different. The fuzzy red and white had turned sharp, like someone had lifted them from under water into the bright sunlight. It looked like some kind of energy-boost had happened. It outshined everything else."

Buffy looked confused at the enthusiastic witch and asked:

"So what you're saying is that somehow Spike's aura got a weird tuning-up, right?"

"Yeah," Willow smiled slightly, "and you happen to be the one that did it, Buffy."

"Whoa, Wills, hold on a second," Buffy said shocked, "what makes you think it was me?"

"Well," Willow smiled, "Tara explained to me that the bright spots in Spike's aura represented his strongest and deepest emotions, his most genuine feelings. If he would be human it would be his inner self, his soul."

"But Spike doesn't have a soul."

"I know, but nevertheless he has deep feelings inside. They've always been there under the surface. Hidden under shades of dark. And now something has brought these feelings to the front. Something happened to make them stronger; to make them outshine everything else."

"But," Buffy stuttered, "but these feelings, they aren't necessarily good ones, right? I mean, what if the spots are all evil? Spike's vampiric needs, his love for violence or something like that? It doesn't have to be his feelings… for… for me, does it?"

Willow shook her head frantically. Either Buffy didn't **want** to understand or she was too afraid of what all this could mean. The redhead opted for the latter. She took a deep breath and tried to explain calmly:

"Buffy, I know this is hard to understand, but you have to believe me. Tara knows a lot about these things and she's sure that the deepest emotions Spike is holding are **pure** and** good**. They can't be evil. The colors reveal everything and red and white always stand for love and devotion and pure goodness. There's nothing evil in them. Spike's feelings for you; his love, his loyalty and, well, the goodness that's still inside… all that is still there and somehow it has become so powerful and strong that it outstands everything else. I know that he's still a vampire but, Buffy, he can be good." Willow looked closely at her friend and repeated:.

"He can be good and he doesn't need a soul for that."

Buffy was stunned beyond words. Her mind was reeling.

"You mean he can be good without a soul?"

"Yes Buffy," Willow smiled, "all Spike needs to be good is… you!"

* * *

Later that night, when she had finished a quick round of patrol (with dusting only three vamps which hadn't taken the edge of her nervousness), Buffy was sitting on the back porch thinking about everything Willow had told her earlier.

She wasn't sure she'd gotten the hang of it but the parts Buffy had indeed understood were big enough to occupy her mind completely.

So Spike's aura had changed since they had started to grow closer over the last couple of days. Okay, not such big a deal, was it?

"No, I guess it is a big deal after all! His aura, well... **he** has changed for the better." Buffy whispered to herself and sighed again. She didn't know how many times she'd done this tonight but she supposed if someone would call her 'Buffy Sigh Summers' it wouldn't be exaggerated.

The girl was still trying to come to terms with the lack of Willow-freakage over the news of her and Spike with the kissing and stuff. She'd thought for sure her friends would be disgusted when they learned about her having feelings for the evil undead all of a sudden.

But instead of loathing and disgust she'd received words of comfort and understanding from Willow. In fact the witch had kind of encouraged her to accept her feelings for Spike. If Buffy had gotten Willow right her feelings for Spike were even seen as a good thing.

"And that's what's freaking me out the most." Buffy mumbled.

"What was that, pet?" a familiar voice suddenly came from the left.

Buffy looked up startled. Spike was standing at the corner of the house; duster in place and a cigarette dangling from his lips. He looked as cocky and self-secure as always but when he approached Buffy was able to spot an anxious glint in his eyes that betrayed his confident appearance.

He seemed to be as confused and insecure as she was feeling.

Spike stopped directly in front of Buffy and cocked his head slightly to the side. A small cloud of smoke left his mouth along with his quiet words:

"Out here all alone to think, luv?"

Buffy nodded mutely and looked to the ground. Only after he'd lowered himself to sit down beside her on the steps, close but not close enough to touch her, Buffy lifted her head and looked straight into his blue eyes.

And suddenly her nervousness vanished and what was left inside of her was nothing but determination to make things right. She opened her mouth to say something but Spike beat her to it.

"I don't suppose it was me you were thinking about, was it?" Spike looked at the girl next to him with as much anticipation as he dared himself to feel and as much confidence as he could muster. Which wasn't much at all.

Would do no good to get his hopes up now, would it? The kiss earlier had been nothing but a glitch. Buffy had said so herself; it had been nothing. And Spike knew the slayer would never in her life get over the fact that he was an evil soulless monster. She would never allow herself to look for the man hidden inside.

Therefore Spike was quite rattled when Buffy's gaze met his with what he could only describe as happiness. 'Happy to see me?' he wondered, 'Can't be now, can it?'

"As a matter of fact I was," she smiled slightly.

"Huh?" Spike couldn't remember what she was referring to; he was too caught up by the spark that emanated Buffy's green eyes and seemed to enlighten her features completely. She was radiating joy.

"I was thinking about you." Buffy clarified.

'Effulgent!' was all Spike could think. ' Like sunshine being reflected a thousand times in waves of the greenest of oceans.' After a brief pause he added cursing: 'Oh, bloody hell, she makes me want to write poetry again!' That idea now freaked **him** out terribly.

When Buffy waited in vain for Spike to react to her words she took a deep breath and started talking in a soft and quiet tune:

"I was talking to Willow earlier about you… about **us**." She blushed slightly.

Now that got Spike's attention. She'd said 'us'.

"Us?" he repeated stunned, "You think there's an 'us' now?" Spike waited for the lightning to strike; for an annoyed, mocked or even teased reply to his forward presumption.

He was still waiting for it when he felt Buffy putting her small warm hand into his and squeezing it gently.

"Let's try to be an 'us' together, okay?" Buffy asked with a warm smile.

Spike didn't answer but tried to hide the huge smile that threatened to crack his face when he leaned over to pull his girl into a soft kiss.

* * *

Neither of them noticed the smiling couple looking at them through the kitchen window. Willow and Tara stood there, hands linked, staring at the aura of the kissing pair. No more blurry dark shades, no more veils. Enormous red and white sparks flew everywhere; tangling together and brightening the night sky a thousand times. It was like watching the biggest fireworks ever. It was beautiful.

THE END

* * *

**Wow, it's really done. **

**So, what do you say? Did you like it? Please let me know! I'm CRAVING for feedback.**


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